Helpful vs Harmful Ways to Respond When Someone Has Autism

Hey there.  Today I’m going to explore a topic that I’ve noticed many parents, professionals, peers, and even strangers struggle with, and that is how to respond when an autistic person discloses their diagnosis (related – The Big Secret.) Many people believe they are correct, but unfortunately, many are wrong in their attitudes toward their autistic acquaintance or loved one.  If you’re here, chances are you’re seeking to change or direct your behavior in order to have a more positive impact on an autistic person.  You might also be an autistic person looking to educate others on how to treat you and others who share your diagnosis.  In both cases, I applaud you.  Your actions are much appreciated.

For this article, I’m going to start off with a few harmful ways of responding to an autism diagnosis, then move on to the helpful ones.  That way, we can correct unhealthy behaviors right away and end on a happier note.  Let’s get into it.

Audio coming soon!

Here are some harmful ways of responding to an autism diagnosis.  These behaviors can be detrimental to an autistic person’s growth and self-esteem, so it’s very important to avoid them.

Deny the autistic person’s diagnosis.  In many cases, finding out one is autistic is a slow, arduous process that requires a lot of time and resources.  Some people are able to receive a diagnosis from a licensed professional.  Others, however, may be anxious to confirm with another individual or lack access to testing.  As such, many autistic people are self-diagnosed.  This does not mean that their diagnosis is invalid, but that an official, written diagnosis is not an option at this time.  Again, lots of effort and research goes into determining if an individual is autistic.  Unless you are a professional working directly with the person, whether or not someone’s diagnosis is legitimate is not yours to decide.

Use the person’s autism as an excuse.  This can go two ways.  First, this can mean that the autistic person is suddenly subject to bullying, neglect, or abuse simply because of how their brain works.  I’ve seen this happen both on and offline.  Sometimes, this is just because of the label of autism – the negative stigma currently around autism is seen as a joke to many people, and so encountering a person who actually has autism can be surprising to some.  It could also be that the autistic person exhibits behavior outside of the usual norms, such as a flat speaking tone, special interests, or stimming.  Another way this can manifest is the idea that either nothing or something very drastic must be done in order to “help” an autistic person.  For example, an autistic person’s sensitivity may be dismissed as “just their autism” and thus not worthy of attention or assistance (related – How Autistic People Experience Pain.) On the other extreme, people may feel a need to restrain, restrict, or punish an autistic person for their symptoms or behavior, practices that can be incredibly painful and even traumatic to that person.  It’s important to listen to the autistic person and treat them in a respectful, kind manner.  A parent, caretaker, or peer (or maybe even the autistic person themselves!) may also use the diagnosis of autism as a means to wipe away any wrongdoing.  So many times I’ve heard people say, “It’s just my/his/her/their autism” as a means to escape consequences.  Usually, it is accompanied by an assertion that the autistic person doesn’t understand, can’t control it, or both.  This can be dangerous as it perpetuates the idea that autistic people are both unaware of the situation and are unable to grow.  It can severely lower self-esteem as the autistic person feels they have no agency, or it can teach the autistic person that they can get away with anything they please as long as they hide behind their diagnosis.

Avoid the autistic person.  One of the most damaging things one can do to an autistic person is avoid them, especially once they tell you about their diagnosis.  Many autistic people live with fear and shame regarding how they interact with the world, and a lot of it comes from the way they were treated by others.  By ignoring or avoiding an autistic person, you’re teaching them that they’re somehow unworthy of support, attention, and companionship, a message that can be extremely difficult to receive.

Baby the autistic person or constantly offer support.  On the other end, treating the autistic person as if they are made of glass is also very unhelpful.  Treating them (and especially talking to them) like they’re a small child can be degrading.  In some circumstances, it might also teach them that they are incapable and must rely on others for nearly everything.  Constantly offering support can also be irritating to an autistic person, thus accomplishing the opposite of what one had in mind.  Some individuals use helping autistic people as a means to feel good about themselves.  An autistic person may recognize this and feel that the person does not want to pursue an authentic friendship with them, but rather take advantage of their label.  Of course, there are people who have genuinely good intentions regarding autistic people and continue these behaviors because they’re simply unaware of what else they can do.  If this sounds like you, keep reading.

Now that we’ve gone over some harmful ways of responding to an autistic person’s diagnosis, let’s discuss some helpful ones.

Be open to hearing about the diagnosis.  Recognize that the person’s diagnosis is valid and that they are indeed autistic.  Make sure that you treat them with respect.  Do your research on autism and don’t be afraid to ask questions if the person allows it.  Additionally, recognize that while being autistic is an integral part of that person’s life, their existence cannot be boiled down to that single condition.  There are plenty of other wonderful traits that make this person unique.

Accept (and enjoy) the autistic person’s presence.  Autistic people are just as worthy of attention and acceptance as anyone else.  While they may be different in some ways, they still crave the joy of belonging and have a right to be in that space.  Make sure that the individual feels welcome and comfortable where you are.

Encourage growth.  Autistic people need not to have their hand held constantly, nor do they need to be kicked out of the nest in order to fly.  Guide the autistic person towards independence.  Teach them new things.  Allow them to go off on their own.  If needed, accompany the autistic person along on that journey, but leave it to them to do the learning.  This is how growth happens.

Look for specific instances in which the autistic person might be struggling and/or let them know that they can come to you if they ever need help.  Instead of always offering help, look for moments in which the autistic person shows signs of needing assistance.  For example, if they’re having a hard time dealing with a loud sound, ask if they need to take a break, use a noise-canceling device, or have you help them ask for the sound to be turned off.  On the other hand, if an autistic person is working on a project and appears to be doing well, chances are they don’t need help at that moment.  It’s also a good move to let autistic people know that you’re there for them if they ever need you.  In a relaxed, pressure-free manner, tell them you’re willing to help with anything they need.  All they have to do is ask.  This gives the power back to them and shows them that there are people who genuinely care about and support them.

Finding out that someone is autistic can be a startling and confusing situation, and many people are completely unsure of what to do.  However, this doesn’t have to be the case.  By being respectful of the person and following along with these tips, you can maintain a healthy relationship with an autistic person and be part of a positive support system for them long into the future.