Hi guys! This is the first of hopefully many weekly updates where I’ll be sharing a struggle and a win from the past week. All or most will be in relation to my autism, so if you’re curious about what it’s like living with autism or you just want to catch up with me, this is the page to check out!
In general, this week has been spent relaxing and trying to rebuild after a rough time. I was in a play and there was a very complicated situation going on, so I decided to leave to take care of my mental health. In the days before I left, I had felt anxious and depressed. It had been hard to get out of bed or find the motivation to do anything. I spent so much time worrying that I missed out on being happy. I’m so glad I have time to recover now!
A Struggle From This Week
One of the activities I decided to do this week was shop. I absolutely love shopping and looking for cool things (especially gifts!) I decided to go out and get some surprises for loved ones, but since I also wanted to save, I chose to go to a nice thrift store. There were tons of cute clothes there. Most of the items were pretty trendy. Some styles were a bit outdated, but could easily be repurposed.
I wasn’t the only one who had the idea to come here. Plenty of people were sauntering up and down the aisles, swiping hangers across the racks. Moms, sisters, brothers, and friends advised each other on what to try. Some, like me, had parents there, but were shopping separately. A few browsed alone.
Though everyone seemed to be in a good mood, there was something about their nonchalance that rubbed me the wrong way. Since the vaccine had rolled around, people were now able to walk around without masks and forget about social distancing. I’m glad they felt comfortable, but it was a little weird to have people walk right up next to me, especially after over a year of being six feet apart.
Another thing that happened at that store was that I passed a lady shopping by herself and smiled at her. As she looked at me, her face was scrunched up and her brows furrowed. I glanced away almost immediately. The last thing I wanted was to bother anyone! However, I realized as we turned down separate aisles that it was highly unlikely she’d been upset at me. In fact, she’d been so focused on her shopping that it probably took her a moment to process that I was even there! Suddenly it hit me – her expression wasn’t angry. She was just concentrating! And sure enough, the next time we passed each other, she gave me a genuinely sweet smile, the kind that just makes your heart melt. Ma’am, if somehow you’re reading this, thank you. These little moments in the store reminded me that people are friendlier than we interpret sometimes, and that we need to stop and think before we assume the worst. Your smile meant a lot!
By the time I had checked out at that store, I was completely tuckered out. I’d had my shopping kick, I’d been around people, and I was ready to just lay down and watch YouTube for a couple hours. My mom, however, wanted to try one more store, so we headed back out.
That store was not a very pleasant experience. Not only did we not find what she was looking for, but the other customers were not on their best behavior. People kept cutting us off as we walked around. There were times when I almost bumped into people who weren’t looking where they were going. It was really hard to manage everything.
And then came the screams.
“No!” a young child screeched. “NO!”
Everyone turned toward the sound. How could they not? It was echoing through the building.
There was stomping. Wailing. General rage.
And it suddenly stopped.
My mom and I looked at each other. I didn’t know what to do. She was still browsing. As much as I felt like I was going to go into sensory overload any second, I tried to give this kid some grace. Maybe they were autistic too. Maybe they were already overwhelmed and there was a fabric texture they didn’t like. Maybe-
“I WANT IT!”
All the customers jumped. At this point, we all already knew which aisle it was coming from. Of course, whoever was with the kid wouldn’t stop the behavior – just give in after a minute or so of fury. That’s why it would stop and start so abruptly. This was no meltdown. It was a tantrum.
“That’s it,” my mom muttered. “Let’s go.”
We crept toward the front doors. As they slid open, a woman in front of us lifted an armload of bags out of her cart and hurried out. On her way, she used a free hand to shove the cart at an angle, slamming it into the wall next to us.
“People,” my mom grumbled, taking the cart and pushing it to where it was supposed to go.
Man, was I glad to get home. Shopping is fun, and sometimes people are great, but other times, they can be really selfish. It’s something I especially have to watch out for as an autistic person. I think I’m going to avoid that second store for a while.
A Win From This Week
Something I’ve been doing recently is playing around on TikTok (my account is @autisticemmalyn if you wanna follow me!) Through that app, I’ve found a lot of awesome autistic creators that have really inspired me. One of the topics I often see discussed is stimming. I used to stim a lot when I was a kid, but once I started getting into middle and high school, I started noticing how my classmates were looking at me and forcefully toned it down. Aside from rocking, I hadn’t really stimmed in quite a long time. However, these creators showed me that stimming can actually be super helpful, so a little goal of mine was to let down my mask for a bit and just let my body do whatever. Since I’d been masking for so long, though, I feared it would be difficult. Did I even remember how to stim? What was I going to do?
My mom and I went to pick up a prescription and some gift cards, and while we were at that store, I decided to do a little shopping (yes, another shopping story!) I didn’t want to get too carried away, though, so I confined myself to just one craft aisle.
And boy oh boy, did I have a good time!
Even though I didn’t buy much, I still loved seeing all the craft supplies. There was paint, wooden projects, dyes, sewing tools, fuzzy yarn, and more. Just looking at everything filled me with so much joy. It was an unexpected happy place in the middle of a huge supermarket. I realized I was tearing up.
I play ukulele in my spare time. I’m not super good at it. I strum with my fingers. And that’s just what I started doing – strumming. My left hand made little movements in the air while my right was completely loose at the wrist. I was completely enthralled by both the craft supplies and my own exuberant movement. My happiness was exponential.
A man passed by the aisle. He saw me. He was confused.
I smiled.
We each went on with what we were doing.
I realized in that moment that it wasn’t my job to teach him or hide from him or force him to understand what was going on. It was my job to be happy.
And happy I was later that week when some very special orders came in the mail. I assembled everything and put it all on top of my wardrobe. As I looked up at my work, there it was again. The air ukulele. And little squeaks. And hops. And tearing up again. Good tears.
I feel great.