Something I’ve noticed within myself and other autistic individuals is that we don’t take ourselves seriously as others. We’re more prone to believe what someone else says about us and our situation than what we think on our own. Whether it’s our condition, our circumstances, or a combination of both, autistic people struggle with assertiveness.
I’m 20 at the time of writing this, and only recently have I realized that other people can be wrong about me, no matter how insistent they are. Growing up, my autism made me naive in certain social situations. Along with that, I had the feeling that I had to go along with what others wanted all the time in order to avoid conflict. I had also been told my whole life that I needed to listen to peers and adults (related – Professionals and Poor Treatment.) They were neurotypicals; therefore, they had to have had a more objective viewpoint. Anything I saw that they didn’t was just my autism.
I know now that that was gaslighting. People made me believe I wasn’t capable of having my own viewpoint, so they fed me their own. A lot of the time, people were incorrect about what happened to me, how I felt, and who I was. They didn’t experience my life, yet they thought they had the authority to dictate it, whether this was to dismiss what happened or to make me believe something completely different (related – This is My Reality.) Either way, it succeeded in that it made me feel like the negative events in my life were normal and that I deserved them.
This notion even spread to areas of my life unaffected by my autism directly. I had an abusive first relationship and narrowly avoided a second one. I was also mistreated by friends, family members, teachers, and professionals. I often found myself being punished for things that would go forgiven, ignored, or even praised if others did them. Though I did my best to be a kind, compassionate person as much as possible, I thought that any pain I received at the hands of others was a consequence of my own harmful actions.
I realized, however, that I couldn’t remember much of those actions, and that even if I did remember something I did, it wasn’t wrong. I also learned that all advice isn’t good advice, that some people have bad intentions, and that an autistic person’s perspective is just as valid as anyone else’s – hence why I started this blog!
My lesson for autistic people reading this (along with those with autistic patients and loved ones who want to pass on this message) is to listen to yourself. You are the only person who knows and feels exactly what you’re going through. If something doesn’t seem right, you are most certainly allowed (and I encourage you!) to stand up for yourself. Be assertive and keep fighting!