Should You Shelter Your Autistic Child?

An article for parents and caregivers of children with autism about why we might want to shelter them, why it can be harmful, and what we can do instead.

I myself am not a parent, but as an autistic person, I want to provide parents with opportunities to help understand their autistic children and how they can help them grow.

Audio coming soon!

As parents and caregivers, you always want the best for your child.  Why would you ever want them to feel hurt or pain?  While a lot of times, this can lead to healthy conversations and moves towards independence, some parents may be inclined to shelter their child.  This is especially the case with parents of neurodivergent children.  With autism in particular, many parents fear that their child will never be able to survive out on their own.  They (understandably so) want to protect their baby at all costs.

However, sheltering any child can be dangerous.  Even if we have the very best intentions, keeping a child hidden from the real world can make them dependent, clueless, and defenseless.  It’s important to remember that the trait that primarily defines autistic children is that they are children.  Thus, it becomes very important that you treat them as a child first.  What does this mean?  Well, it means you should consider their stage in life before their diagnosis.  There are certain things all children need – love, shelter (meaning safety from the elements,) food, water, and learning, to name a few – and your autistic child is no different.  It’s crucial that you provide all of these things regardless of their condition.

One of the things I listed that I really want to touch on is learning.  Learning allows us a path towards agency that we can’t get anywhere else.  If we don’t know or experience something, how can we properly interact with it?  The primary focus of childhood is to learn so that little people can grow up to take good care of themselves as adults.  While not all autistic people will be capable of living independently, it’s still very important that they gain any skills necessary to help them succeed.  Even the little things count.

Since we know that learning is absolutely necessary for kids, we want them to get as much of it as possible.  How can our children learn if they are not allowed to explore, make messes, have consequences, and get explanations?  How do they pick up a new skill if they’ve never tried it, or at the very least, seen someone else try it?  How do they know different terms and topics if it’s never brought up around them?

Of course, this doesn’t mean that we have to throw autistic kids in the middle of it all and expect them to just figure it out.  We still want to be a source of safety and guidance for them.  Assure your child that you’re right there with them and encourage them to be curious and ask questions.  Be patient and gentle.  Know that it may take some time for them to build up that knowledge, but that it will ultimately be worth it.  Remember that it’s okay for anyone who is trying new things to be a little uncomfortable at first.  It’s actually really good to have a healthy fear because it helps keep us safe.  However, if your autistic child is clearly very uncomfortable and would like to leave the situation, calmly remove them.  Stress is detrimental to learning, so keeping them there against their will can be traumatic and erase any progress that you’ve made with that skill.  When the child is calm again, ask them if they’d like to go back and try the situation again.  If the answer is no, try to find creative ways to help them learn without upsetting them.  If they’re open to it, try explaining the situation yourself or watching a video about the topic.  Let them know that it’s okay to be frustrated, but that it’s still important information to know in case they ever need it.  Explain to them why it’s necessary.

The goal of raising kids is to help them become adults who are able to live as independently as possible.  Even if they do need help with different tasks, they should rely as much as they can on their own knowledge and skillset.  They can’t make any progress in any area without a healthy amount of learning and practice.  You are their guide.  Make sure that your autistic child isn’t sheltered, but that they’re able to grow their skills in a safe environment.  It will help them loads later in life.