Hey guys! This week, I mainly focused on my acting, but I also had a lot of fatigue… talent and tiredness. I did my best to balance the two (and more!)
A Struggle From This Week
My struggle this week was just figuring out how to go about my day with the constant feeling that I was going to fall asleep anywhere at any time. Along with my autism, I have a condition called premenstrual dysphoric disorder, also known as PMDD, and it can make me really fatigued and irritable. What was really bothering me was that I wanted to get up and do things, but I had zero energy to do so, nor specific interest in anything. I needed to find something to do that wasn’t just sitting around. I sought help on a Reddit forum and the girls there had plenty of calming, easy activities to suggest. They were all so sweet and I appreciated them so much! I ended up distracting myself by compiling every activity into a list and trying to complete them all. It was a great way to pass the time without too much strain.
The activities list wasn’t the only way I used distraction to my advantage. Marlowe also worked wonders. I started talking to her, rambling on about what I was thinking and how I was feeling, and I started pacing. As I was pacing, I started picking things up. And as I picked things up, I started decluttering. Now my wardrobe, desk, and bookshelf are super clean and tidy and it all felt effortless!
I should mention that I didn’t do all of this without the assistance of late mornings and afternoon naps. Those were much needed. But with the help I got from others, I was able to actually get up and do things, which was awesome! Definitely recommend this tactic.
A Win From This Week
On Saturday and Monday, I pulled myself out of my fatigue and went to auditions at my local theater. The auditions were for the same show, but we’d been encouraged to attend twice to get a feel for the roles. The first audition went great. I hung out with a friend and met some incredibly sweet and talented people. The second audition, though, got tough.
First of all, there were tons of actors and supporters who showed up, way more than there had been on Saturday. The room was loud and nearly overflowing, it felt. I sat in a group with my friends, but it was still very hard to tune everything out. To make matters worse, a person I have been very hurt by sat down in front and one seat down from me. They’re friends with some of my friends, so it was understandable, but I still hated that they were so close to me. I’ve been trying to avoid this person for years, but the person does not respect that. What made me especially nervous was the fact that they kept turning around to touch my friends – their hand was way too close. I didn’t want them to touch me.
The director came up to the front to speak and everyone quieted down to listen. That helped a lot. What was even better was that she wanted people who hadn’t auditioned on Saturday to go first – something that allowed me plenty of time to start to relax. Unfortunately, though, the person was still there, still talking, and still turning around. I felt myself stiffen every time they moved. I was shaking. I had the strong urge to leave, but I knew I couldn’t – both for the sake of the audition and the fact that I was sitting in the middle of a row. At one point, two of my friends tried to tell me something, but I couldn’t hear them. They were whispering to me to go up to read for a role, but their voices sounded even quieter than a whisper, like they were talking to me from far away. “What?” I said probably three or four times before I could understand, and by then, it was too late.
Finally, the person got up to read for a role. I was angry. Whether they’d intended to or not, they were making my brain go haywire, and I wasn’t going to take it anymore. I was so nervous about standing by them, but I told myself “Screw it. I want to act.” I raised my hand, got called up, and stood a little ways away from him with one person in between us. As a matter of fact, it was the furthest we’d been apart since they came in, and since there was another actor there, it was the first time I couldn’t see them either. I channeled all my energy into making the funniest, most active performance I could. People were laughing and mirroring my movements. They clapped after. I felt good.
Found out Tuesday night I scored that role.
I am so proud of myself for being able to use my talent again. And thanks to that person for making me so upset that I had to do something that brought me back. I’m so happy to have that strength.